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By: CPFace

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Episode 8

(We're in the office, which is completely deserted.  Suddenly, a window appears in the middle of the room with a ringing telephone on it.  This is quickly replaced by Bob and Dot.)

Bob: Hi, this is Bob. . .

Dot: . . . And Dot. . .

Bob: . . . And we're not in right now.

Dot: Please leave a message!

(There's a beep, and they're replaced by Gavin Blair.)

Gavin: Well, that's great.  You're so interested in whether or not there's going to be a fourth season, and I call you right when you asked me to, and you're not there.

(Sound of running in the background.)

Gavin: Listen, just forget it, all right?  I don't have time for these little games of yours.

(Mike the TV runs in with a towel and a showercap on, dripping wet, just as the window closes.)

Mike: (calling) Gavin, wait, they're just stuck in the Web, we love you, stay on the line!

(Mike stares blankly at the spot where the window used to be.  Then he looks down at his feet.  A lot.)

(Cut quickly to the opening sequence. Bob does the narrative.)

(The bouncy ReBoot theme song plays as scenes flash by: Dot using her organizer and suddenly disappearing in a flash of light; Hack and Slash painted white with red R's on their torsos, weird hairdos, and a cat between them; Bob talking to Phong on two windows at once; Bob's apartment building suddenly explodes; Bob and Mouse in formal ballroom attire dancing the Charleston; Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, who's displaying Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, who's displaying Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, etc.; and Megabyte looking horrified at a figure in the shadows.)

(We're at a film studio.  It has fallen into disrepair, and everything is under a veil of darkness and horrorificiness.  Oooo!  Pretend you're scared.  Dot's organizer glides to a halt at its gate.  With a flash, Bob, Dot, Enzo, Matrix, AndrAIa, and Frisket appear.)

Bob: Well. . . we're here.

(Pan up dramatically.  The sign reads "Foxfire Studios".  Thunder crackles.)

Enzo: (noticing Frisket) Hey boy.  Didn't we leave you back in Mainframe or you got eaten by a Web creature or something?

Frisket: Hey, if you're looking for continuity at this point, you might as well go random now and save yourself the trouble later.

Enzo: Yeah, I guess so.  (does a double take.) Since when can you talk?

(Frisket whines questioningly.  Enzo gets a kind of a weird look on his face.)

Enzo: Hey, did anyone else --

Bob: Quiet, Enzo.  I'm trying to ignore you.

Matrix: So we're at Foxfire Studios.  Now what?

Bob: (grimly) We find Gonterman.

(Bars of a Jim Morrison song play in the background as they step through the gate.)

(Dissolve to a shot of our heroes wandering through the studio lot.)

AndrAIa: Be careful everyone.  We don't know how friendly these people are.  Don't let your guard down for a nanosecond.

Matrix: (bending down) Hey, a penny!

(Three dozen anthropomorphic animals jump out of nowhere and surround our heroes.)

AndrAIa: Matrix!  What did I just get done saying?

Matrix: Sorry. . .

Bunnie: Well, well. . . what 'ave we here?  A bunch of low-down, no-good spies!

Bob: Actually, we --

Bunnie: Quiet you!  I didn't get to be chief of security by listening to explanations or being reasonable!  Now march!

Enzo: What are you going to do to us?

Bunnie: Oh. . . the usual.

(We're in a forest on Mobius, I guess.  The Mainframers are standing around with about half a dozen anthropomorphic characters.  Some sort of building looms in the background.  This is very important.)

Bob: Huh. . .

(Time passes uncomfortably.)

Matrix:  So what are we doing?  I thought we were going to blow something up.

Sonic: Oh.  We're waiting for Kintobor.  He's blowing up the installation.

Bob: So. . . what are we doing?

Sonic: I just told you.  We're waiting for him.

Dot: Oh. . . so, what are we doing after he gets back?

Sonic: Going back to Knothole.

Bob: Wait, wait. . . so what are we here for?

Sonic: We wait for Kintobor.  That's what we do on these missions.

Tails: Sometimes we get captured.  That's always fun.

(The Mainframers exchange a glance.)

AndrAIa: This Kintobor guy. . . what did you say his first name was?

Sonic: Davey.

(The Mainframers exchange a glance again.)

AndrAIa: Like Gonterman.

Matrix: Self-insert?

Bob: Bingo.  (to the anthropomorphics) So. . . Sonic is it?. . . Have you noticed anything. . . unusual since Davey joined your team?

Sonic: Nothing in particular.  Why?

Bob: Has he. . . I don't know. . . started making most of your decisions?  Become a more important part of the team than anyone else?

Sonic: No, of course -- (realization dawns) Well, now that you mention it. . .

Bob: All right, I don't want to upset anyone, but I think Davey might be. . . a self-insertionist.

Tails: What's that?

Matrix: It's where an author creates a character he wishes he could be and drops it into an unsuspecting universe to live through it and fulfill his strange fantasies.

(Everyone glances over at CPFace.)

CPFace: What?  I'm not that bad.

Sonic: So, what's so bad about that?

AndrAIa: Well, left to its own devices, a self-insert may bend the universe around it to fit whatever plans it has in mind, keeping regular characters in the shadow, making them break character, breaking up relationships, and even killing them off.

Sonic: Hey!  That's a pretty big accusation.  You'd better have something to back it up.

Bob: As a matter of fact, we do!  (Bob pulls out a vid-window)  The Self-Insertionist Litmus Test!

Dot: (unnaturally delighted) You mean, the one as seen on Hanako Breithaupt's The List?

Bob: (using a tone of voice rarely occurring outside of infomercials) That's right Dot.  The List -- home to articles that every single fanfic author in the world should be forced to read until they're burned into their retinas.  Articles like "You've Written a Bad ReBoot Fanfic If. . ." and "Original Ideas For ReBoot Fan Fiction".  They'll make you laugh, they'll make you think, and they'll make you take a good, hard look at yourself and come out of it a better person.

Enzo: I read The List more often than I breathe!

Bob: All right, question one: Is the character named after you?

(The anthropomorphics give each other a worried glance.)

Bob: Let's skip that one for now.  Question two. . .

(Same spot on Mobius.  The building I mentioned before has become all blowed up.  The anthropomorphics are staring at the Mainframers with dire concern.)

Bob: And your score is. . ."35+ Unless you are Emidecimal or Jo Ann Montgomery, who both get special consideration for sheer audacity and pluck, give serious thought to axing your character and/or plot. Please. In the name of Humanity."

Tails: (whimpering to Sonic) I don't wanna get killed or break character!  I'm scared!

Sonic: (patting his back) We all are, Tails.  We all are.

Matrix: So we're all in agreement?  Kintobor's a self-insert and we've got to do something about him?

(The frightened little animals nod in agreement.)

Matrix: All right!  (whipping out Gun) He's coming this way.  I think I can pick him off if --

AndrAIa: (forcing his arm down) Settle down there, Sparky.  What did your therapist say about your problem-solving skills?

Matrix: But AndrAIa --

AndrAIa: No buts.  You're going to have to start settling things like a mature adult.

(Matrix looks at Bob and Dot questioningly.)

Bob: She's right, you know.

Matrix: (rolling his eyes) Okay, fine.

Kintobor: (strolling up) Hey guys.  Boy, I sure blew that place up.

Matrix: (forcedly) Hello David.  Glad to see you again.  Listen, perhaps we could discuss a problem I've been having in an orderly, civilized manner.

Kintobor: Sure.  What's on your mind?

Matrix: (still forced) You have been a self-insert character for some time now, and you've been changing peoples' lives to suit your own.  This makes me feel angry, and I'd like you to stop it.

Kintobor: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

(Cut to a horrible dungeon where all the Mainframers are now staying.)

AndrAIa: (to Matrix, consolingly) You did a really good job.  I'm proud of you.

(Frisket whines.)

Enzo: (scratching Frisket's head) Don't worry, boy.  Bob'll think of something.  He always does.

Frisket: You should kill your family.

Enzo: (shocked) What?

Frisket: (annoyed) You heard me.

(Enzo gets a really weird look on his face.)

Enzo: (frightened) Uh, guys?

Bob: Quiet, Enzo.  You're talking.

Matrix: Well, I'm bushed.  I think I'll sleep on that pile of filth in the corner.

(Matrix flops onto a pile of something or other covered by a blanket.  There's a noise of pain.)

Matrix: (stands up) Huh.  It's kinda lumpy and squirming around.  Nothing a little gunfire won't fix, though.  (whips out Gun and aims it at the strange mattress.)

Dot: (walking up) Enzo, wait!  There's a person in there!

Matrix: Yeah, it's almost like there's a person under it.  I'll just shoot it for a while.

Dot: (forcing his arm down) Umm, hello?  Person under the blanket?  You still there?

Voice: Umm, yes.

Bob: (gasping) That voice!  It couldn't be!

(Dot uncovers the person.  And who should it be but. . .)

Bob: Kintobor?

Gonterman: (getting up) Actually, I'm David Gonterman.  You can call me David.

(The Mainframers exchange a glance.)

Dot: But. . . what are you doing here?  I thought you were in charge of Foxfire Studios.

Gonterman: I was. . . until he showed up.

(Silence.)

Gonterman: Glad you asked.  It all started when I wrote Blood and Metal.  That's when I created David Kintobor.  It seemed so harmless at the start.  You know. . . everyone thinks about doing self-insertion one time or another.  There's nothing really wrong with it.  But there was something about Kintobor. . .

(Silence.)

Gonterman: We're not going to get anywhere if you don't prompt me.

Dot: (rolling her eyes) Fine.  What was it about Kintobor?

Gonterman: He took on a life of his own.  I thought I could control him, but he was just too powerful.  He took over the studio and locked me in here.  Oh God, I'm so sorry for everything!  All that Sailor Moon stuff. . . and The Rangers of NIMH -- what was I thinking?  I just. . .

Bob: It's okay.  We're all going to get out of here.  I have a plan.

(Matrix suddenly fixes his attention on something.  He follows an invisible thing around the room with his eyes.)

Bob: I'll ask the guards for some water.  The rocks in the walls contain trace amounts of sulfur.  We'll mix it with the water to make a powerful acid to eat through the bars of our cell.  Then, we'll find some guards, steal their uniforms, and --

Matrix: Stupid fly!

(He fires Gun in a random direction, blowing a hole in the wall.  Everyone looks at him.)

Matrix: Umm. . . quick everybody!  Through the hole in the wall that showed up for a reason no one knows!

Gonterman: Yes!  To freedom!

(Everyone is standing around in the streets of Foxfire Studios.  Several characters pass by.)

Knuckles: (passing by) Hey guys.

Gadget: (passing by) Escaping from prison, huh?

Gonterman: You know, something gives me the feeling that, sooner or later, someone's going to notice that we've escaped.  We've got to figure out what we should do about Kintobor.

Bob: There's only one man I know who can do something about a self-insertionist.

(Cut to Bob in a phone booth, who's talking with Mike Nelson via a vidwindow.)

Nelson: Look, forget about it.

Bob: Aww, c'mon.  Please?

Nelson: It's just a character I play on TV!  (downhearted) Well, used to play. . .

Bob: But what about all the MSTings?  There's got to be something you can do.  It's a self-insertionist!

Nelson: I'm sorry, but no.  I wish I could help you, but --

Voice: (off-screen) Hey Mike!  These potatoes aren't peeling themselves!

Nelson: (look of pain at horrible injustice of universe crossing his face) Listen, I've gotta go.  Sorry.

(The vidwindow closes.  Cut to Bob stepping out of the booth and everyone looking at him expectantly.)

Dot: Well?  What'd he say?

Bob: He can't help us.  But I've got another idea. . .

(Cut to a wrestling ring.  Gonterman and Kintobor are sitting at a card table, facing each other, preparing to arm wrestle.  Kintobor seems to be using his robotic arm.  The entire population of Foxfire Studios sits in the audience.  AndrAIa is acting as referee.  The camera slowly pans in on them.)

AndrAIa: All right, you both know the rules, so let me repeat them to provide exposition for the audience.  There will be a best two out of three arm wrestling contest.  The winner will be granted control of Foxfire Studios until forever and the loser will be fed to hungry gophers.

AndrAIa: Everyone ready?

Gonterman: (grimly) Ready.

Kintobor: (evil glee) You bet.

AndrAIa: On three, you may begin.  One. . .

(Shot of Gonterman's determined face.)

AndrAIa: Two. . .

(Shot of Kintobor's evil sneer.)

AndrAIa: (pointing behind Kintobor) Hey, what's that?

Kintobor: (glancing backward) What?

(Gonterman immediately puts his other hand on Kintobor's arm and tries to force it down.  He fails miserably.  Kintobor turns around and slams Gonterman's arm to the table.)

AndrAIa: Ummm. . . okay, one point for Kintobor.

(Shots of the audience, who aren't very pleased.  Back to the ring, where the Daveys are ready for round two.)

AndrAIa: Okay, on three.  One. . . two. . .

(Suddenly, she stabs Kintobor in the head with her nails.  He falls over, paralyzed.)

AndrAIa: Three!

(Gonterman tries to bring Kintobor down two-handed again, and fails.  After struggling a moment, he gets up and puts all his weight behind it, still failing.)

AndrAIa: Here, let me give you a hand.

(They work together to try to push Kintobor's arm down, but fail.)

AndrAIa: Umm, a little help here?

(Cut to a shot of all the Mainframers and several of the anthropomorphics all trying to push Kintobor's arm over.  It doesn't budge.  They struggle for a while, then finally stop.)

Bob: Oh, let's just feed him to the gophers.

Matrix: Okay.

(He picks Kintobor up and carries him off-camera.  There's hungry gopher noises in the background for a bit.)

Gonterman: Well, thank you all for helping me get my studio back.  I promise I won't ever create a character that takes it over ever again.

Bob: No problem.  Now, do you think you could give us transport back to Mainframe?

Gonterman: Of course!  But. . . you're sure you don't want to stay a while?

Dot: (regretfully) Well, we'd love to stay and help you rebuild your studio, but we never really got your permission to use this location in the first place, so we're going to have to relinquish it lest we anger you further.

(Everyone laughs.  As the laughter continues, the camera quickly does a close-up of Frisket's eyes.  Frisket's eyes dart back and forth suspiciously.)

(Pan back.  Looks like we've been watching the story on a vidwindow in Megabyte's living room.  He and Ray are sitting on the couch with a large popcorn bowl between them.  Timmy is curled up nearby.)

Megabyte: Well, that was good.  What else is on?

(A shot of the vidwindow as the channel changes.  The title Plan 1001 From Sector G Prime flashes across the screen.  This is replaced by a shot of Phong and Bob somewhere in the Principle Office, looking at a vid-window of the Silicon Tor.)

Phong: Are you certain that this is necessary, my son?

Bob: (grimly) Absolutely.

(Back to a frontal shot of Megabyte, Ray, and Timmy.)

Megabyte: (disgusted) Hmmph.  I've seen this one before.

(He uses a remote and the window vanishes.)

Ray: (startled) Hey!  I was watching that!

Megabyte: I know.  But it occurs to me that you haven't finished cleaning Timmy's box.

(Timmy growls in agreement.)

Ray: (pleading) Oh, come on!  I've been on my feet all second!  The kitchen, the bathroom, the torture chamber. . . Can't I just have a quiet evening to watch the vids?  Just this once?

Megabyte: (examining his claws) You know, it further occurs to me that I haven't really gotten around to infecting you yet. . .

Ray: (suddenly cheerful) Well, off to clean that box then.  (He gives Timmy a dirty look and Timmy growls back as he leaves.)

Megabyte: Ah, life is good. . . total control of the Web. . . my very own palatial tower. . . a cute little hostage to do all of my work for me and to hideously torture. . . a loving family. . . free cable. . .

(Timmy suddenly focuses his attention on the direction Ray left.)

Megabyte: (sighing contentedly) I'm so glad that there could never be anything that could ever change any of the things I've become so fond of in any way and that things will stay like this forever.  (Getting up, addressing Timmy) Well, I'm going to get some more popcorn.  Want anything?

(Timmy suddenly leaps out the way Ray left.  Sounds of Ray screaming in the background.)

Megabyte: I suppose not.

(Shot of Megabyte standing by the microwave, tapping his foot patiently as little popping noises come from the microwave.  Suddenly the camera switches to a black and white view very close to the floor.  Megabyte looks at the camera.)

Megabyte: Nibbles!  There you are!  I've been looking all over for --

(Suddenly, the camera zooms in on Megabyte as though he's being attacked.)

(A shot of Megabyte holding Nibbles against his neck to make it look like he's attacking him.  After a moment or so of fake struggling, Megabyte throws Nibbles to the ground and he scurries off into the shadows in another room.)

Megabyte: (rubbing his neck) Well, somebody's in a bad mood.  What was that all about?

(Suddenly, there's flashes of light.  This would be a really cool scene if you could see it, 'cause they'd make the light reflect off Megabyte realistically, and you could see his pupils adjusting to the changes in light, and the bewildered expression on his face slowly becoming stark fear.  Pretend you're impressed.  Just as suddenly, the light show stops.)

Megabyte: (looking horrified at a figure who's appeared in the shadows) No. . . it can't be. . .

(The figure steps forward.)

Megabyte: K-Kilobyte?

(Cut to Mike the TV, Specs, and Phong, who are gathered in the Principle Office.)

Specs: Phong, I'm confused.  Just who is this Kilobyte guy?

Mike: Yes, Wise One, please teach us.

Phong: I do not believe you are ready for this, my children.

(Specs and Mike plead with Phong.)

Phong: Very well, but we only travel this way once.  This is called "The Kilobyte Back Story Bop".

(Phong sways back and forth as the music starts up.)

Phong: In order to know Kilobyte, we must look at his past.

Specs: You know studying the back story is gonna be a blast.

Phong: Ah, you have it now, my binome child, we're swinging into high --

Mike: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, you couple of geeks, and show how he came to be.

Phong: It started when Kilobyte, a virus to be feared,
Was made up by some geek one night when he was feeling weird.
He wandered around the Net to find a system to call home

Mike: A place to hang his hat and infect a billion or two binomes.

Phong: Ah, precisely child.  The guardians learned that Kilobyte had skill.
They soon found out the hard way how hard he was to kill.

Mike: And so, to contain his power, they split him into three
And that's how we got Nibbles the null, Megabyte and Hexxy.

(Mike scats in the background for a while.)

Specs: Megabyte went to Mainframe, downloaded with a file
He put together an army and decided to stay a while.
It wasn't long at all before Hexadecimal tagged along

Mike: And one or the other was always making life miserable for Phong.

Phong: The guardians feared they'd merge again, and so they sent us Bob
To keep an eye on the two of them and do his guardian job.

Specs: But what we didn't know was that Nibbles had a plan

Mike: What, that stupid little null?

Specs: Well, he's still smarter than you.

Mike: Hey!

Phong: He stole some code from Hexxy, and when Megabyte came back
To reclaim his pet, he was unwittingly attacked.

Specs: To wrap it up, now Kilobyte is suddenly born anew
And if he's now on Megabyte's side, there's nothing we can do!

(The three start laughing as the music winds up.  Their laughter slowly gives way to confused looks.)

Mike: (doubtful) Are you sure that's how it happened?

Phong: Well, Mainframe Inc. never really released any solid facts about it, so we pretty much just pieced it together from various other fanfics.

Mike: Okay.

(We're back in Megabyte's kitchen.  Kilobyte is busy investigating his surroundings as Megabyte stands nearby uncomfortably.)

Megabyte: Well. . . father. . . umm. . . it's nice to meet you.

(Kilobyte continues his investigations.)

Megabyte: So. . . I suppose now we should join forces and become an unstoppable team bent on total Internet domination, hmm?

(Kilobyte suddenly stops and looks at Megabyte coldly.)

Kilobyte: (grimly) That lawn doesn't look like it's been mown in a while.

Megabyte: (surprised) What?

Kilobyte: I don't give you a dollar a week so you can sit in here and watch cartoons!  Now get out there and don't come back until you've mown that lawn!

Megabyte: No, you don't understand.  That's not grass; it's a field of energy spores.  They provide fuel for the entire --

Kilobyte: (livid) Don't you talk back to me, young man!  Now you get out of here before I take off my belt!

Megabyte: (resting his forehead in his hand) Oh, I can see where this is going. . .

(Cut to a shot of Kilobyte sitting in Megabyte's couch, watching some inane sport of some sort or another on the vidwindow.  Megabyte comes in.)

Megabyte: There.  The "lawn" has been "mown".

Kilobyte: (not looking up) Good.  Did you finish your homework?

Megabyte: (trying very hard to contain his rage) I don't have homework.  I'm not a child.  I don't go to school anymore.

Kilobyte: Good.  Now go to bed; it's past your bedtime.

(Megabyte's eyes turn a rather interesting color.)

Megabyte: You know. . . father. . . as amusing as it's been with you being a ridiculous parody of a parent and ordering me about like I was a child. . .

(Megabyte's claws leap out with that trademark *SHING*)

Megabyte: . . . I'm just really going to have to destroy you now.

Kilobyte: (looking up for the first time) Is that so?

(A shot of the Silicon Tor.  An object far off in the distance suddenly goes flying out of the Tor and off screen.  Megabyte and Timmy come crashing down right in front of the camera.)

Kilobyte: (far off) And don't come back!

(Sound of a door slamming.)

Megabyte: (getting up, dusting himself off) Well, how do you like that?  I suppose I'll just have to call upon all of the forces in the Web to destroy him for me.

(Suddenly, Megabyte falls to the ground, succumbing to some unseen power.)

Megabyte: No. . . power. . . failing. . . ties to the Web. . . cut off. . . ellipsises. . . appearing in the middle of my sentences. . .

(Timmy growls with concern.  Just as suddenly, Megabyte gets up again.)

Megabyte: Oh dear. . . I've been cut off from the Web. . . (starts to panic) He's turning everything against me. . .

(He looks up at Timmy, a rather unhappy look on his face.)

Megabyte: (panicking) Umm, nice giant Web creature. . . You don't want to eat me. . .

(Timmy growls questioningly, not really sure what's going on.)

Megabyte: (searching himself, largely despite the fact that he has no pockets) Let's see. . . his treats are around here somewhere. . . I've just got to --

(Suddenly, Timmy points behind Megabyte and yelps.)

Megabyte: (turning around) Hmm?

(A gelatinous blob, roughly the size of several planets, is quickly approaching them.  The words "Do you Yahoo?" are written ominously across it.)

Megabyte: No!  It can't end like this!

(The blob swallows Megabyte and Timmy up, then glides along on its merry way.)

(Cut to Megabyte's living room, where Kilobyte has returned to his game.)

Kilobyte: (muttering to himself) Lazy, worthless, ungrateful son. . . Maybe living on his own for a while will make him straighten up his act.  He'll come crawling back when he realizes how good he had it here. . .

(In the background, Ray is holding his surfboard and trying to tiptoe past Kilobyte.)

Kilobyte: (whirling around) And just where do you think you're going?

(Ray stops in his tracks, sighs dejectedly, and goes back the way he came.)

(Pan back to reveal the studio audience, sitting some distance from the set, applauding.  Ray and Kilobyte step forward, where they're joined by the rest of the cast.  CPFace steps forward as the applause dies down.)

CPFace: Well, that's the end of the second arc.  Hope you're enjoying the story so far.  We've got a couple surprises in store for you in the next arc, so don't miss it.  And please bear with me and my delays; it's getting tougher to fit fic-writing around my college schedule.  Well, we used a lot of people in this one, so the disclaimer's going to be a little more complicated.  Here we go:

All characters listed above were used without the permission of their owners.  I didn't receive any money for writing this story, and I am not affiliated with any of the people/organizations listed above.

This story is Copyright © 1999 CPFace. Having said that, you're free to reproduce it by any means you see fit, but you're not allowed to make money off of it. As if you could.

Remember to vote: Should Hacker X live or die?  Send your vote to cpface@execpc.com.  Results will be used in Episode 9.

(Suddenly, we pan back from the credits to a black and white room where a male and female sprite are sitting on a couch watching the credits.  A small dragon is curled up on the ground nearby.)

Coretney: We're never going to get a sequel, are we?

Stephan: Nope.