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You have entered a place not of sight or of sound, but of text

For the next however-long-it-takes-you-to-read-this, we will control what you will read and think.

You have entered. . .

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By: CPFace

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Episode 7

(The eerie theme song plays as scenes flash by: Dot using her organizer and suddenly disappearing in a flash of light; Hack and Slash painted white with red R's on their torsos, weird hairdos, and a cat between them; Bob talking to Phong on two windows at once; Bob's apartment building suddenly explodes; Bob and Mouse in formal ballroom attire dancing the Charleston; Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, who's displaying Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, who's displaying Phong in the Principle Office with Mike the TV, etc.; and Megabyte looking horrified at a figure in the shadows.)

(Dissolve to a black and white shot of Mike the TV in the office.)

Mike: (Rod Serling imitation) "Who will police the police?"  For generations, this question has haunted civilization.  We want an authority to keep us safe from those who would harm us, but at the same time, we fear that an authority that's too powerful may turn against us like one of those huge pet snakes you hear about.  Submitted for your approval, a tale of the protector becoming the. . . (lost for a word) not. . . protecting. . . hurting. . . thing.  Could it take place in our world?  Or is it just paranoid ramblings to be left alone in. . . Episode 7.

(Dissolve to a color shot of Bob's apartment.  Mike the TV is playing what appears to be his 4,532nd game of Tic-Tac-Toe with himself on the walls of Bob's apartment using a large permanent marker.)

Mike: I'm going to be so much better than him at this when he gets back.

(A sudden rumbling.)

Mike: Hey, sounds like they're blowing the place up.

(An exterior shot of the eight-ball apartment building, which promptly blows up.)

(Cut to a huge device with a gun-like apparatus in front.  There's a blue fellow with a Guardian icon operating it.  Mike the TV approaches.)

Mike: Excuse me, but who are you?

Danny: I'm your new Guardian.  You can call me Danny, or Dan for short.

Mike: Don't you mean --

Danny: No, you're thinking of someone else.

Mike: Oh.  Sooooo, Dan, did you just blow up Bob's apartment?

Danny: Look, it's a perfectly normal part of the assimilation procedure.  Before Daemon can properly make a system her own, we have to clear out all of the garbage cluttering it.

Mike: (stunned) Assimilation procedure?

Danny: (realizes what he just said, shakes his head to clear it) I mean, no, why would I do such a thing?  It must've been something else.

(He takes aim with his device and blows up half the buildings in Kits sector.)

Mike: Oooooooooo-kay.

(Mike hops down from the device and runs away.)

(Cut to the Principle Office, where Mike the TV and an angry group of binomes and digits has surrounded Phong.)

Binome: Who is that guy?

Binome: He said I was fat!

Binome: I don't like his hair!

Phong: Calm yourselves, my children!  Let me explain.  When all of our city's defenders became lost in the Web, I contacted the Supercomputer and had them send Danny to defend us until they return.

(Stunned silence.)

Mike: And. . . you didn't see anything wrong with that idea?

Phong: Why, no.  Is something the matter?

(Everyone in the room, except Phong, slaps themselves in the forehead.)

Mike: Okay, see, someone forgot to tell you the whole premise of this series, so why don't I just bring you up to speed?

(Mike displays the opening credit sequence.  There's a shot of Phong in the Principle Office with Mike showing Phong in the Principle Office with Mike showing Phong in the Principle Office with Mike etc., and a shot of Megabyte looking horrified at a figure in the shadows.)

(Mike stops the playback.)

Phong: (realization dawns) You mean. . . Danny is. . . ?

(Everyone in the room nods.)

Phong: Oh dear.

Binome: What are we going to do?

Binome: He blew up my TV!

Binome: He stole my lunch money!

Binome: He cut off my head!

(Everyone turns to look at the Zero binome that made that claim.)

Binome: (meekly) Well. . . I got better.

Phong: There is no need for distress, my children.  We will find a way to defeat the viral guardian.  Specs, get me Bob!

Specs: He's in the Web.

Phong: Oh, right. . . Get me Mouse and the Surfer!

Specs: They left seconds ago.

Phong: Ah yes, we had that big party for them. . . Well, who do we have left?

Specs: Umm. . . Hexadecimal.

Phong: . . . Oh dear.

(Cut to Hex's lair, where Phong, Mike the TV, and Specs are huddled together at Hex's feet.)

Hexadecimal: (anger crescendo) Oh, I see. . . So you stick me with this teeny, tiny little role doing bedtime stories in a lousy two episodes, then you think you can just waltz right in here and ask me to save your worthless insignificant BITMAPS?!

Phong: (nervously) Well, [ahem], it's not really our fault, you see. . . it's just that the author has a hard time fitting you into the storyline.  I mean, he's not really sure how friendly or hostile you are now that you've been defragmented, so it's really --

Hexadecimal: (cheerily) Oh, is that all?  Well, I can fix that. . .

(Hex vanishes.)

(Cut to CPFace's bedroom, where CPFace is playing video games.)

CPFace:  Mmmm. . . I love playing Super Smash Brothers.  I wish this was my job.

(Suddenly, Hexadecimal appears next to him.)

Hexadecimal: (enraged) Write me a small part, will you?

CPFace: Oh no!  The things I've written are manifesting themselves again!  I knew I shouldn't have written about Hexadecimal being angry at me!

(Cut to the Principle Office, where Phong, Mike, and Specs are sitting around glumly.  There's the sound of several explosions outside.)

Mike: Well, now we've got a maniac Guardian on our hands and the author's dead.

Phong: We have but one course of action left to take.

Specs: What's that?

Phong: We must assemble the lesser-known heroes of our system and engage the invader in hilarious combat.

Mike: It's so crazy, it just might work!

(Cut to Danny, sitting in his giant vehicle of death.)

Danny: La la la. . .  I'm making the system get all destroyed for Daemon. . . Do dee doo. . .

(Suddenly, a card lands on the dashboard and automatically opens up and starts projecting Mike the TV.)

Mike: Holomark -- When you care enough to project the very best.

(Mike is replaced by Phong)

Phong: Dear Danny:  We're so happy with what you've done for our system that we've decided to give you a present.  Please come alone and unarmed to Old Man Pearson's data dump so we can give it to you.

Mike: (off-screen, harsh whisper) And candy.

Phong: (glances away, then back up at Danny) Oh yes, and there's candy too.  Lots of delicious candy for you!

(The projection ends.)

Danny: Yum!  I enjoy candy!

(Danny leaps from the cockpit of his vehicle and runs off.)

(Cut to Old Man Pearson's data dump.  It's deserted, except for Danny.)

Danny: (calling out) Hello?  I came alone and unarmed and extremely vulnerable, just like you said!

(He walks around some more.  Suddenly, someone taps him on the shoulder.  He turns around to see Cecil.)

Cecil: Wait by zee bar!

(Cecil punctuates this statement by hitting Danny in the head with a large metal bar.)

Danny: (stumbling backward) Ow, my skull!  That's not candy!

(He stumbles backward a bit.  Suddenly, he looks up and sees Binky, holding a fire hose.)

Binky: Cocoa, sir?

(Binky turns on the hose, engulfing Danny in hot cocoa.)

Danny: Oww!  The rich delicious chocolate taste burns!

(Suddenly  the stream of cocoa ends.  Danny looks up, startled, to see Phong some distance away, dribbling a Pong puck.  With a swift blow, he serves it right at Danny.  It misses him by a few feet.)

Danny: Ha ha!  Your puck thing didn't hit me!

(Phong looks down, ashamed.  Suddenly, he throws one of his Pong gauntlets at Danny and hits him in the head.)

Danny: Oww!  Why do you hate my head?

(Danny turns to find the exit and starts running toward it.  Suddenly, Cyrus pops out.)

Cyrus: Going somewhere?

(Cyrus lowers his head and Danny runs right into it, immediately getting lost in his giant hairdo.)

Danny: I hate doing this!  When is this going to be over?

(Cyrus shakes his head, launching Danny into a wall.  He slowly rises to his feet, looking straight into the face of Feathers McGraw.  Feathers blinks.)

Danny: AAAAUAUAUAUUGHGHHH!  That chicken's beak is looking at me with his eyes!  His BEEEEEAAAKKKK!

(Danny runs around some more.  Suddenly, he lands on a conveyor belt, and a binome with the word "Toque" printed on his hat starts tying him up.)

Danny: Hey. . . this isn't related to your character.

Binome: I know.  We just needed someone to tie you up.

(Cut briefly to Pearson, who throws a lever.  Cut back to Danny, who's being taken, by conveyor belt, into that one breakdown thingy.  Everyone stands by the side and watches.)

Sir: Crikey, Binky!  I believe he's bought it!

(Everyone has a good laugh for a nano or two as Danny rolls past helplessly.  The laughter dies down and everyone looks at Danny regretfully.)

Mike: You know guys. . . this just isn't us.

Pearson: Too true, lad.

(Everyone's glum for a moment.)

Mike: Hey, let's just take him out for ice cream.

(A scene of a peaceful meadow in the spring.  There's a voice-over of Megabyte as words scroll up the screen.)

It's not easy growing up as a virus

Knowing that people don't trust you and look at you funny just because you're different from them

I'd like to tear their faces off, the insensitive abominations

(A shot of Dot's organizer zipping through the Web.  It gradually slows down, and eventually comes to a stop.  There's a flash of light, and Bob, Dot, Matrix, AndrAIa, and Enzo appear.)

Bob: Like, what happened?

Dot: (examining it) The battery wore off.  No battery, no motion.  We're sitting ducks.

AndrAIa: Creepers!  In the middle of this spooky Web page?

(Enzo yelps and jumps into Bob's arms.)

Matrix: Don't worry, gang; it looks like there's a town up ahead.  We can ride this data stream there and try to find an energy station.

Dot: Wait a nano. . . has anyone noticed that we've been talking a little. . . weird?

Enzo: Ri raven't.

Bob: Zoinks!  Like, the Web page must be having some sort of weird crossover effect on us!

Matrix: Then we'd better get moving.

(Everyone opens their brollies and gently flies toward the city Matrix indicated.)

(Dissolve to everyone walking down the deserted street of the disheveled city.  Occassionally, a character like Speed Racer or Yakky Doodle or Gary Coleman peeks out at them from a building.)

AndrAIa: It looks like no one's lived here for days. . .

Dot: Jinkies!  Look how degraded that guy is.

(Pan to a shot of Gumby, who hides his face and runs away.)

Matrix: Look!  There's an energy station!

(Dissolve to inside the station, where everyone's talking to an old man by a cash register.)

Man: It's a good thing you kids came along.  We haven't been having much business since the Web creature showed up.

Bob: (scared) W-w-w-w-w-w-web creature?

Man: Done scared away all the traffic to this page.  No one wants to come near it.  If you kids were smart, you'd be on your way too.

(Enzo whines.)

Matrix: Oh, come on, you two.  There's no such thing as Web creatures.

Dot: Umm, actually, there is.  Don't you remember?  There was that one huge one that invaded Mainframe and set off a chain of events that conspired to ruin your life?

Matrix: (subdued) Oh.  I must've been thinking of something else.  Well, anyway, thanks for the fill-up.

Man: Thank you for your business.  And be sure to watch out for the Web creature.

(Dissolve to the streets.)

AndrAIa: Do you think there really is a Web creature around here?

Matrix: Nah.  It's all just a story.

Dot: Jinkies, what's that?

(A giant Web creature, hovering about five feet in front of them, suddenly roars at them.)

Bob: Well, Matrix, (swallows hard), there's your story!

(Everyone turns around and runs through the same background scene over and over as groovy music fires up in the background.)

Yeah. . .
Oh yeah yeah. . .

Well we all stayed up until a quarter to twelve
And we found this groovy page down on AOL
Where the viruses and spam really know how to swing
And suddenly the Web creatures get up and sing

Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors. . .
We're all gettin' down while we're loggin' on. . .
Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors
By tomorrow morning it'll all be gone.

Well me and my girl started having a ball
And we danced with the pixels in the firewall
Now we're all calling everyone to come inside
Maybe if you're lucky you'll be nullified

Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors. . .
We're all gettin' down while we're loggin' on. . .
Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors
By tomorrow morning it'll all be gone.

Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors. . .
We're all gettin' down while we're loggin' on. . .
Ohh ohhh. . . Web Page of Horrors
By tomorrow morning it'll all be gone.

(The musical chase is now over.  Everyone stands around panting.)

Bob: Like, I think we lost it.

Dot: Jinkies!  What a mystery!

Matrix: Let's split up and look for clues!

AndrAIa: . . . What?  Did I miss something?  Since when is this a mystery?  Why aren't we getting out of here?

Matrix: Bob and Enzo can be in the bumbling comic relief group.  The rest of us will be in the off-screen group.  We'll all meet back here in half a cycle.

(Fade to Bob and Enzo walking down the street.)

Bob: Like, look, Enz': a restaurant!  Let's start looking for clues there!

Enzo: Reah Reah!  (Enzo somehow manages to lick his entire face.)

(As they walk off, the Web creature looks after them from the shadows and growls.)

(Dissolve to the inside of the restaurant.)

Bob: Like, the place looks deserted.  Let's just make us up some sandwiches.

(Enzo licks his face again.)

Bob: You know, that's really weird.

Enzo: Rank rou.  (he chuckles)

(Dissolve to a new scene.  Bob's buried in a refridgerator, tossing various sandwich ingredients behind him.  We pan back to see that Enzo is catching them and setting them somewhere behind himself.  Pan even further back to show that he's unwittingly setting them in the Web creature's mouth, who's happily eating them.)

Bob: Well, Enz', what've we got so far?

Enzo: (turning to check what he thought was a table) Rell, re've rot. . . Ripe!

(He turns to run just as the creature tries to bite his hand off.  He jumps into Bob's arms.)

Bob: Zoinks!  It's the Web creature!

(Bob drops a thing of butter, which smashes on the ground in front of the fridge.  With Enzo in his arms, he runs away.  The Web creature charges at them, slips on the butter, and gets locked in the refridgerator.  It sticks its head out the ice cube dispenser, dazed.)

Matrix: (who seems to be in this scene now) Good work, gang!  We caught the Web creature!

Dot: Now let's see who this Web creature really is.

(She pulls on the creature's head.  Nothing happens.)

AndrAIa: Oh no!  It really is a Web creature!

(The Web creature comes to, growls at them, and busts out of the refridgerator in a horrible fury.)

Bob: Any ideas anyone?

Enzo: Hey, my voice is back to normal.

(Everyone looks at him.)

Enzo: What?  I think that's a good thing.

(Suddenly, the Web creature turns toward AndrAIa and dashes at her, teeth bared aggressively.  She notices and screams.  Suddenly, it stops when a rose shoots into the ground between them.  They both turn to see a masked figure in a Tuxedo nearby.)

Tuxedo Mask: AndrAIa!

AndrAIa: (little hearts in her eyes) Tuxedo Mask!

Tuxedo Mask: You know what you must do to save your friends!

AndrAIa: Huh?  Oh, right!  (turning to the Web creature) I stand for love, honor, and justice!  In the name of Neptune, I will triumph over evil!  And that means you!

(The creature growls.)

(AndrAIa pulls out her trident and starts twirling around as her heroic theme plays.)

AndrAIa: Neptune. . . Trident. . . Elimin --

(The Web creature gets sick of standing there and patiently waiting for her attack to come, and it swallows her whole.)

Tuxedo Mask: (nervously) Uh. . . I'm out of here. (He's not in the scene anymore.)

Bob: Hey, Web creature!

(The creature turns to Bob.)

Bob: How much is seven times six?

(The creature considers, thinks a little harder, and blows up.)

Bob: Huh.  I wonder why that worked.

AndrAIa: (who's here again after the creature blew up) Wow. . . I wonder who Tuxedo Mask really is?

(Matrix whistles innocently.  The Red Guy walks in on his butt.)

Red Guy: Screwy, ain't it?

All characters in this story are the property of Mainframe Inc., and are used without permission. I didn't receive any money for creating this story, and I am not affiliated with Mainframe Inc.

"Web Page of Horrors" -- Lyrics by CPFace

© 1999 CPFace. You're free to reproduce it by any means you see fit, but you're not allowed to make money off of it.

Remember to vote: Should Hacker X live or die?  Send your vote to cpface@execpc.com.  Results will be used in Episode 9.