The Adventures of Boot

Episode 10

(We're in the office. Bob has arranged three office chairs into a makeshift couch and is laying on them. Dot is at the computer, using the mouse.)

Announcer: (voice-over) We take you now to Bob and Dot, who are still trapped in the office from the previous episode.

(Suddenly, the telephone rings. Dot looks at it, surprised. Scary music plays!)

Dot: When'd we get one of these?

Bob: I dunno.

Dot: (answering the phone) Hello?

(Scary music gets scarier!)

Creepy phone voice: Do you like scary movies?

Dot: (considering) No.

Creepy phone voice: Really?

Dot: Yeah, really.

(Scary music is still scary!)

Creepy phone voice: Umm, what kind of movies do you like?

Dot: I usually don't watch movies.

Creepy phone voice: Oh. (suddenly normal) This is the Baudway multiplex. Don't hang up. I'm calling to tell you about our special on movie tickets, good for all --

(Dot rolls her eyes and hangs up.)

(Cut quickly to the opening sequence. Bob does the narrative.)

I come from the Net
Through systems, peoples, and cities, to this place:
Mainframe.

My format:
Guardian
To mend and defend
To defend my family and friends
Their hopes and dreams.
To defend them from their enemies.

(The kitten-like ReBoot theme song plays as scenes flash by: a very old Matrix sleeping in an armchair as children run past with scissors; a dragon pouring ketchup on Megabyte; an aerial view of Mainframe with sheep raining on the system; Matrix carries AndrAIa into a hotel room, hangs a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob, then enters, closing the door behind him; a room full of ninjas training; Frisket's eyes dart back and forth suspiciously; Hacker X reaches for his mask and pulls it off to reveal. . . .)

Daemon plans to take over the Net
She's infected the entire Guardian collective.
Except me.
I intend to stop her.

ReBoot!

As I got hit by a car
(Rollicking music plays as an odd scene ensues in which Bob and Enzo run up a crumbling mountain in a lightning storm. They fall from sight, then reappear as wireframes amid a background of dirt. Suddenly, a happy sun watches as sunflowers pop up rapidly from the ground, followed by Bob and Enzo, grinning amiably.)
There was a message for me.
(Cut to the Principle Office, where Matrix, AndrAIa, Phong, and Danny are gathered.)
As I went through the windshield In our last episode, Matrix and AndrAIa enjoyed a brief stint as maintainers of Dot's Diner, only to uncover a sinister plot on the part of Hacker X to make people eat cows. I noticed something
Matrix: I still feel sick.
Subliminal We join them as they check in with Phong, ready once again for their roles as defenders of the system. In an unnoticeable way
Phong: Welcome home, my children! Please, allow me to introduce you to Danny; he was our defender while you were away.
Important
Danny: Hey.
And hard to see
Matrix & AndrAIa: Hey.
Subliminal
Phong: Well, Danny, I suppose you can be on your way now. Best of luck with your plot to dominate the Net.
Subliminal
Danny: Thanks, you too! (He creates a portal and departs.)
While lying there in my bed
AndrAIa: (unsure) Did he just wish you luck with your plot to --
There was a message for me.
Phong: (demonic voice) YOU HEARD NOTHING
As I went through the pillow With that, the elderly, unassuming sprite produced a neuralizer from his drawer and flashed it in the faces of his visitors. I noticed something
AndrAIa: Phong? You know that's just a toy, right? And that you didn't really just erase our memory?
Subliminal
Phong: (ignoring her) There's actually been very little activity in your absence. A few buildings were destroyed; that's about it.
In an unnoticeable way
Matrix: Well, you've gotta expect to lose a few of those.
Important
Phong: Oh! And we bought some new service robots to help out around here now that Hack and Slash have been returned to Megabyte's aid.
And hard to see
(A door slides open. Hack and Slash are behind it.)
Subliminal
Slash: Hello.
Subliminal
Hack: Good evening.
Stare into the subliminal
Phong: We got them at a discount because they were used. It seems that they used to belong to some virus who took over the Web. He returned them because of a minor malfunction in their conversation sequencers.
For as long as you can
Slash: He is Slash, and I am Hack.
Stare into the subliminal
Hack: No, no, the other way.
For as long as you can
Slash: (puzzled) I am Hack, and he is Slash?
Stare into the subliminal
Hack: No, I am Hack.
For as long as you can
Slash: (confused) That's what I said. "I am Hack, and --"
Stare into the subliminal
Hack: No no no no no no no. No. Say "I am Slash."
For as long as you can
Slash: You are Slash.

Hack: AAAAUGH!
Hey, think anyone's reading this?

But fortunately, the Hack and Slash dialogue came to an abrupt end as a thought occurred to AndrAIa. Hmmmm. . .
AndrAIa: Matrix? You remember what you promised we'd do as soon as we got back from the Web?

Matrix: (puzzled) But we already killed Hacker X.

AndrAIa: No, the other thing.

Matrix: Oooo, riiiiight. . . Phong? Do you suppose you could do the honors?

Phong: Of course, my doomed insect.

Matrix: (startled) What?

Phong: Nothing. (He flashes them again.)

Matrix: . . . Okay.
So a panda walks into a restaurant
(Cut forward to Phong standing at an altar.)
And he orders a cheeseburger and fries.
Phong: By the powers vested in me by Microsoft Matrimony Suite 2000, I now pronounce you husband and wife. By kissing the bride you acknowledge that you are bound to the lengthy legal text that you probably didn't read. Kiss the bride to complete installation.
When he's done, he pulls out a machine gun
(Pull out to show Cecil removing Mouse's veil and kissing her as well as anyone with a 2-D face can. Applause from the unseen wedding guests.)
And peppers the place with bullets.
(Pull out some more to show Matrix and AndrAIa watching the proceedings on a vidwindow with Phong.)
The manager comes out and starts yelling
Matrix: Thanks for taping this for us, Phong.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
AndrAIa: I just wish we could have been there.
The panda just looks at him.
(Cut to Megabyte wandering through the Webrynth. A scribbley crayon dragon choppily animates along behind him.)
"I'm a panda, look it up."

But as our heroes watched Cecil's wedding videos, Megabyte was millions of bytes away, deep within the bowels of Yahoo Geocities, with his hastily edited-in companion, Scribble Dragon, searching for Timmy, the only Web creature still loyal to him after Kilobyte stole control of the Web from him. Then he leaves.
Megabyte: (annoyed) This is ridiculous.
So the manager goes in back and looks "panda" up. What, having a hard time finding Timmy? The entry for "panda" is:
Megabyte: (annoyed) No, that exposition was longer than my entire part in this episode.
"Large Asian mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."
(Scribble Dragon does something adorable.)
My boss loves that joke.
Megabyte's voice: (flat, edited in) Come on, Scribble Dragon.
He owns a restaurant.
Megabyte: (dully) Well, let's see what's behind this door.
I guess that's all I have to say.
(Megabyte opens the door, revealing a horrible cavernous underworld setting with rivers of fire and blood and demons and people undergoing unspeakable tortures. A demon greets him.)
Hope you liked this episode.
Demon: (suitably evil voice) Welcome to Soul-Eaters of Fire and Blood, the page dedicated to evil, ungodly practices, and pain! You are visitor number 0017. This page is a member of the Nihilism webring. This page hosted by Geocities. Get your own free webpage.
Bye.
(A pop-up ad for Suncoast Video appears in front of the demon's face suddenly.)

Megabyte: (flatly) Hmm. . . no.

(Megabyte slams the door in the demon's face.)

(Cut to the Userworld, where The User is sitting in front of his monitor benevolently.)

But, unbeknownst to our main characters, The User was about to make a discovery that would alter the course of their lives for the next few episodes.

The User: I feel like throwing my time and money at a get-rich-quick scheme. I think I'll check my e-mail for some fresh spam.

(Close up on the progress indicator of the User's mail program, which is very slowly receiving message 1 of 1.)

The User: Drat! The message is too large to be an unsolicited mass-mailing. All well; I need something to pass my time before The Brunching Shuttlecocks update again.

And so, in the interest of keeping himself occupied with his computer, The User punched the mysterious e-mail up on the screen:

Subject: WHY HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME?!?!
   Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 14:30:16 PDT
   From: "The User's Mother" <usersmother@yahoo.com>
     To: theuser@mainframe.ca

WHY DO YOU NEVER ANSWER MY E-MAILS?! I gave you twenty-eight years of my life, and this is how you repay me?!?! All I ask for is an answer once in a while, maybe a phone call for Christmas, at the very least one of your kidneys! And I didn't appreciate the restraining order either!! I have to kill fifteen lawyers just to see my little boy now?! And then they put *me* in jail?! Why didn't you post my bail? WHY?! If I hadn't snuck out in that laundry truck, hijacked that plane, and legged it to this uncharted island, I'd still be *rotting* in that place, thanks to you!!!! Me, your only mother, except for those tramps your father's always out with, and don't you DARE think they can take my place!!!!

I have to go; the cats need fresh blood again.

P.S. I attached a program I found. It's so cute!
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   Name: poe.zip
        poe.zip    Type: Zip Compressed Data (application/x-zip-compressed)
               Encoding: base64

The User: Ah! A new computer program! I will run it without hesitation or scanning it for viruses!

(A little cartoon sheep crosses The User's desktop from top to bottom, bounces a few times, and comes to a rest at the bottom, staring straight ahead adorably.)

The User: What is this?

(The User clicks the character and drags it across the screen. He releases it, and it lands on the mail program window, where it waddles forward a few steps before urinating on it.)

The User: What joy! A virtual animal to run and romp and play on my computer screen, just like the guinea pig my parents would never buy for me!

(The User double-clicks the sheep's application icon again and squeals with delight as a second sheep falls from the top of his screen.)

The User: More! I must have more!

(The User continues to double-click the application icon, sending a shower of sheep across his screen.)

(Fade to a far-off shot of Mainframe, where we can see dozens of sheep raining on the system.)

And so, The User sent sheep after sheep plummeting toward Mainframe, little knowing their terrible back story. . .

(Fade to one of the sheep, rotating in a 3-D grid.)

Poe was created by Screenmates, based on the popular animated character of the same name. It was intended as a novelty; people would put Poe on their computers and delight in his antics, or at the very least, pay $30 and take the thing home before realizing how useless it really was.

(The sheep's skin disappears, leaving it a wireframe model with a happy little smiley-faced heart on the inside.)

As Poe grew in popularity, the need arose for a pirated version that could be downloaded, installed, and run, all without paying the original authors. A clever young hacker rose to the occasion, removing the restrictions that kept unregistered users from running the program.

(The sheep's heart is removed with a pair of tweezers and replaced with a nasty-looking skull and crossbones.)

Unfortunately, the person in question realized the potential for evil, and, since they had an afternoon to kick around and nothing good to watch on TV, they decided to use Poe as a trojan horse --

(The sheep's skin reappears, only now it has a mean little frowny face.)

-- delivering a powerful payload to any system it reached, preying on the weak, the trusting, the unsuspecting.

Fortunately, Mainframe was prepared for anything.

(Cut to an entrance to the Principle Office which Hack and Slash are guarding. About a thousand sheep are converging on them. The robots seem concerned.)

Hack: Halt!

Slash: State your name and business!

Poe: (unsettlingly evil voice) We are Poe. We wish to share our adorable sheeplike qualities with this system. You will not resist us.

Hack: Oh, I don't know. . .

Slash: They look all right. . .

Hack: Yeah, but the announcer guy just said they're evil horses.

Slash: Sheep are not horses.

Hack: Oh. I suppose not. Okay, go right in.

(With a sharp salute, the robots make way for the sheep to enter the Principle Office.)

Well, shoot.

(Cut to Matrix and AndrAIa, still watching the wedding vid and making their way through a box of Kleenex. On screen, Mouse playfully smushes a piece of wedding cake on Cecil's screen.)

AndrAIa: They're such a cute couple. . .

Matrix: Ever since she rescued him from the wreckage of the diner, there was just something between them. . .

AndrAIa: I just hope they didn't base their entire relationship on a shared traumatic experience; those kind always end up falling apart.

Matrix: Yeah. . .

(They consider this a moment, then cast each other an odd glance.)

Matrix: (hesitantly) Do you think. . . us. . .?

AndrAIa: (quickly) No, no. . .

Matrix: Good. . . me neither. . . all right then. . .

Fortunately, Matrix and AndrAIa were distracted from the plausibility of their relationship by a sudden catastrophe.

Matrix: (muttering) Not a nano too soon.

(There's a sudden pounding from across the room, like someone trying to ram through a metal wall of considerable thickness.)

AndrAIa: (helpfully) It's unlocked!

(The pounding stops, replaced by the sound of a door with a squeaky hinge opening. A binome hobbles into the shot.)

Binome: Sorry; I keep forgetting.

Matrix: It's okay, just stop trying to tear the wall down.

(Suddenly, the lights flicker and the room goes black.)

AndrAIa: Uh oh. What happened?

Matrix: Ah, someone must've tried using the toaster and the microwave at the same time. Well, let's go down to the fuse box. Eye! Nightlight!

(Matrix's prosthetic eye gives off a reassuring glow with Donald Duck in the middle, lighting their way through the room.)

Binome: Nightlight?

Matrix: (dangerously defensive) Do you find anything wrong with that?

Binome: Well, it is kinda weird that a grown man would have a nightlight built into his eye, yes.

Matrix: (sullenly) I guess so.

And so, with the help of Matrix's embarrassing, glowing cartoon character, they made their way into the Principle Office's switchbox.

Matrix: (looking at the fuses) No, I just can't see why we'd be out. . . Everything looks fine in here.

AndrAIa: (pointing) Think that has anything to do with it?

(The camera pans over to the system's core, which is less than half filled with green, glowing liquid. About a thousand sheep have dipped straws into it and are drinking it up.)

Matrix: Oh, for the love of --

Hack: (who seems to be nearby) Oh, he's mad.

Slash: (ditto) I knew he would be.

AndrAIa: (turning to them, incredulous) Did you two just let a thousand sheep in so they could drink all the core's energy?

Slash: Well, not in as many words. . .

Hack: Yes.

Slash: It's just they're so cute. . .

AndrAIa: (sappily) Aww, they are, aren't they?

Matrix: (ditto) Yeah. . .

(As the last drop of energy disappears, the sheep suddenly turn to look at our heroes, bearing nasty-looking fangs.)

AndrAIa: We've got to get out of here!

Matrix: Quick! We'll ride the jump cut!

(Jump cut to Kits, where the 8-ball apartment used to be. The entire Principle Office staff seems to be there. The system is rather dark.)

And so, thanks to some tricky photography, the entire Principle Office staff arrived in the relative safety of Kits Sector.

Matrix: (gloomily) Man. . . some Guardian I turned out to be.

AndrAIa: (angrily) Yeah! What's the matter with you, any way?

Binome: Let's get him!

(The entire crowd moves in and starts beating up Matrix.)

But just as Matrix's fate seemed to be sealed. . .

Bob: (who's here now) Uh, guys?

(Everyone looks up.)

Matrix: Bob! Dot! Where were you guys?

Bob: (bitterly, glancing at Dot) Somebody doesn't know the meaning of "Push to open".

Dot: (bitterly, at Bob) You didn't notice either!

Bob: (dismissively) That's not important right now. What is important is --

Phong: (rolling up) Good news, everyone! I bought a space ship, and we're all doing a spoof of Futurama! Who wants to be the drunken robot?

Bob: Not right now, Phong. What's important --

(Suddenly, the camera turns toward the Principle Office.)

Bob: (off-screen) Uh, camera back on me. Uh, hello? I'm not done yet. Camera back on me, please.

(The Pinnacle Window opens all around the Principle Office. A Poe sits in it menacingly.)

Poe: Citizens of Mainframe. We are Poe. Your system will be assimilated. Resistance won't do you very much good at all.

Will our heroes eliminate the Poe menace? Will Megabyte have a bigger part next time? And what, exactly, is Phong's deal?

Don't miss the next exciting episode:

Baa Baa Bad Sheep
or
Mutton But Trouble

All characters in this story are the property of Mainframe Inc., and are used without permission. I didn't receive any money for creating this story, and I am not affiliated with Mainframe Inc.

"Subliminal" lyrics by They Might Be Giants, �1994. Reprinted without permission. Sorry.

This story is Copyright � 2000 CPFace. Because of the whole "Subliminal" thing, I'd appreciate it if this one didn't get reproduced very much. Thanks.